tough stuff

it used to seem like something that would never affect me... i was invincible and it would never happen to anyone that i knew... now it has completely changed. my opa has cancer, and well, i don't really know how to react. he is so healthy and fun to be around... i don't want to imagine him gone. and now i have to. and it's so unfair. they say that there are still options and that there are lots of choices, and maybe he'll get better and it will all go away... and i hate to be a pessimest... usually i'm not. but what if it doesn't go away? what if i have to sit there and watch my father lose his father.... what then? i don't want to see him go through that. and i know that this is just an inevitable part of life, but STILL! ahhh, it's making me crazy. but then alot is making me crazy these days. i have a lot of choices for what i do next year and well.. i have approximately 3 days to make one of the more important decisions in my life. and i really wish that i was super excited about the whole thing, and part of me is, but the other part of me is scared. scared that i will screw this up and scared that it isn't the right thing to do. and to add to all of the crazyiness in my life, Tina is having a rough go of things (but they are certainly getting better) and i'm trying to be there for her, because i know that next year it's going to be so different. and wow, it all comes back to next year. i'm thinking about going to Queens... it seems like the perfect program for me. but somewhere deep down, i want something more. i want it to be all about God, and well, i'm not so sure this is the right decision.... but i don't see any other options that are better.... ahhhhh the messy life of a teenager... anyways, i need to go...
evz .:.